The fact that we are conscious is very interesting to me. There is no reason for “this” to exist and yet there it is. I have always been curious about this fact of existence as it has occupied my thinking for all my life.
I have previously talked about this particular fascination of mine and how lonely it is.
So in hope of finding other curious souls, I have decided to put this into writing. Though as you will see, this does not make any sense. For one, this will not make any sense to people that “do not get it”. From my own experience, there’s a certain of amount “getting it” or “searching” that needs to happen before one will even comprehend what is being said here. The second reason that this does not make sense will be obvious when you get it. So, either way, this will not make any sense.
Additionally, this knowledge is also useless. There is nothing to be gain from this understanding, it may even be detrimental to your mental health. For myself, it caused a great deal of endless seeking and futile attempt at truly comprehending it.
To begin, what are you? Perhaps this sounds like a silly question, but really, what are you? At minimum, after stripping everything else, where, what, who, are you?
When I was a child, I used to stare at mirror for minutes just focusing on the eye. It is endlessly fascinating (even now), that this is “me”. Regardless of what happens, where I am, how I am; this will always be me. I will never be anything else. This hand, this face, legs, stomach, skin, hair, everything.
This experience gave rise to the sense that my body is not necessarily “me”. I could have been someone else. Of course, this does not make sense. If I turned/changed into someone else, I would be that someone else.
I also like to think about what makes me, me. What is the minimum “thing” that I can still call “me”.
If the environment is removed, am I still there?
If the body are removed, am I still there?
If the emotions are removed, am I still there?
If memories are removed, am I still there?
If thoughts are removed, am I still there?
It is hard to imagine that “I” still exists in the last one, and yet we have all experienced what its like to be “in the zone’. We have all experienced dreaming, where you are mostly just following along (unless you are the kind of person that is able to control your dreams).
All this led me to think that the ‘Self’ is a much more primordial concept that exists by itself. That is to say that it doesn’t matter what happens, the Self must exist for anything to happen. If “you” does not exist, nothing would happen. On the other hand, if something does not touch you at all, they might as well not exist. So the primacy of existence is that you exist.